So to start off this blog series about relationships in med school, I thought I'd give y'all a little background into my own.
My boyfriend and I met 4 years ago when I was on a break studying for the MCAT. We met at a bar in San Francisco (shout out Brixton) and had a dance competition -- still uncertain to this day who officially won (me). But since then, PJ has been through all the rollercoasters of my med school journey -- MCAT studying, submitting med school applications, interviewing, picking a school, moving states, board exams, rotations, and pretty soon, he will be my sounding board when it comes to picking a specialty and matching. He's been through it all with me.
When the time came for me to start med school in a new state, we decided to move together, so he found a new job and relocated with me. We had been nervous about what med school was going to be like and the toll it would take on our relationship. I talked to some of my friends who were in grad school at the time to try & get a gauge of what free time looked like, or if free time even existed for med students? Overall the consensus was that we would at least get weekends together and would still have time for date nights.
Turns out, I didn't really get that for the first semester. I had a ton of anxiety and had a really hard time balancing school work with taking breaks. There was so much material and a hefty sprinkling of imposter syndrome. Looking back, it was not healthy and my relationship definitely took the back burner. I studied all day everyday and med school was everything and became my entire identity. Honestly, I was not a great partner. Eventually, after some major burn out, I learned the importance of taking breaks and PJ was patient with me and understood I was still learning to balance everything on my plate. There were ebs and flows with some blocks allowing for much more free time to spend together. Then COVID hit. That was turmoil for everyone. Second year was a bit better after having adapted more to the environment of med school. Board exams was a whole different story and I was mentally unwell lol. I will make a separate post on this later but for now, I will say it's so important to have a partner who is especially supportive and understanding during this time.
Eventually, when it came time for me to pick my core site for rotations, I decided on a more rural location. PJ wanted to work more on his career and I was fully in support of him returning home to do that rather than relocating again with me and finding a new job in a place that didn't have much to offer him. So he moved back to the bay and we have been doing long distance for a little over a year now. Long distance comes with its own separate set of challenges, the bulk of which being scheduling and the total lack of control we have over it as med students.
So how do I balance school and a relationship currently? To answer honestly, I don’t — not all the time and definitely not perfectly. Med school and grad school is HARD. And it's HARD on a relationship. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. Medical school is a major commitment and sometimes it feels like everything else in life other than medicine can be put on hold, relationships being one of them. Not to mention, the uncertainties that come with a career in medicine are significant and can place a lot of stress on a relationship: where will I get into medical school? where will I go for my 3rd and 4th year rotations? where will I go for residency? and how does my relationship factor into all of this, especially when my partner has his/her/their own separate career goals and aspirations? But luckily I have an understanding & supportive partner.
My biggest #1 tip is communication. Communication is the most solid foundation to any relationship (friendship, romantic, partnership, familial). If you’re in a relationship and in med school or about to start, it’s ok to be nervous and it is completely normal to have ups and downs. Be patient with yourself and with each other and remember it’s all a learning experience!
This is just the start of many blog posts to come on dating and relationships in med school (and eventually residency). Maintaining a stable, healthy relationship during medical school sometimes seems impossible, but if you can work through the obstacles and learn how to manage a relationship, it can actually become a huge advantage. So I hope that this series will be of use to those of you navigating your own relationships while in this stressful environment. Also please DM me or email me if you have any specific topic requests and I'd be happy to make a post on whatever it may be!
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